This one is so personal. No matter how it is said...it will offend a few people. The 2 people that I need to forgive, should be the 2 most important people in my lives. They should be the grandparents to my children, they should be my friend, they should be my parents. Instead, they are not. We have not spoken since October 10, 2004. Six years is a long time to not have the most important people in my life...in our lives, around us...celebrating life. But, no matter what is told...it was not by my choice. Who chooses to not have parents? But, then again...who chooses to not have a daughter? I had to make the toughest choice 6 years ago. My family, OR my family! Which family meant the most? Obviously, my kids and husband. It was the saddest choice that any person should have to make but it was the best. I have a husband that adores me and vice versa. I have 5 beautiful kids that love me unconditionally. It is just sad to me that I had to make this choice. My love for my kids has shown me so much about life. I could never tell one of my kids that they were dead to me. I could never disown them. I could never cut them out of my life. I would & will fight for them. They are part of me for eternity. BUT, once they marry...they are no longer "mine". They belong to their significant others. They belong to their family. I am sure that is a hard control factor to get over.
As far as forgiveness. There are times where I forgive them...then there are times where I get so angry. I associate forgiveness with completely being over that situation. Well, I am not. This is where it gets tricky for me. I have learned to live without them...but how do I get over it. How do I move past the fact that I have parents that live 90 minutes from me and my family and have never made any attempt to resolve the situation. I guess, I continue to live my life like I have been...to the fullest that I can. I have emotional baggage that I have learned to push down deep. I have a husband that reassures me daily that I made the right choice. Otherwise I would be a divorced wife of four. My baby RyeRye would not be here and my life would be completely different. Not a life that even sounds close to full of happiness.
Sorry if this was a downer. Hopefully the next day entry...can be more uplifting!