Have you ever listened to a song and it just brings actual pain to you. I am sitting here...happily fixing my page. I all of a sudden think to myself "you know, my song is kind of a downer...I will find a happier one" But, my HAPPY song "Just to see you smile" has brought pain to my chest and a lump in my throat. I am such a sensitive and maybe a little bit of a dramatic person...but, gosh....some days suck! I have so many wonderful friends that have said great things to me today. Out of the blue...Trisha sends me a heartfelt email. I have known her since 10th grade. We were the California Girls...that every boy wanted!! haha...why the heck did we settle for who we settled for Trisha? hehe! But, thank you...your sweet words brought a smile to my face. (My lump is getting worse) Anyways, then I have a nice email chat with Tiffany and she ALWAYS says the sweetest things about my pictures. So, now I have 2 people...I do not get to see on a regular basis...building me up. But, I am still so sad. Then, I have a husband that adores me. He really does anything to make me happy. I KNOW that I am spoiled. I do not deserve him...I take alot out on him...and he still treasures me. I would have nothing without him. Really...I know this! I was so independent...I loved working...and now I am content being a house wife and a mother. I take advantage of my situation...I spend to much money, well I charge alot. I am not as thankful for my life, as I should be. Why? God, I feel down right now...because of a stupid song! That, now I keep listening to over and over again. The lump has caused me to stop swallowing. Now, I will go upstairs...do 120 situps...some arm lifts...and read "Go Ask Alice." Which will make me sadder because it is the exact opposite that I pray for my kids. I pray they never get involved in drugs. I pray that they have a better childhood than me. Not that I had a bad childhood...I made it worse for myself. I am sure we all have mistakes. You know...I really hope certain people do not get pleasure out of my pain. I don't want sympathy...but, I do not want hurt anymore. Do we really need to get pleasure from watching someone fall apart or to know they are not at peace? No matter what ANYONE thinks...I never want to hurt anyone. I do not do things to be mean to others. My songs are used to vent and that is it. I may sound dumb...because I cannot remember who said this. (I think Rodney King) correct me if I am wrong!! "Can't we all just get along?" I wish I could go back 2 years and start over...well only certain aspects of my life. I would not change Ryelon for anything. That is how I know God is pleased with me. He continues to BLESS me with wonderful and healthy kids.
Enough said...Good night!